On the Streets of Oxford...

Last weekend, I wrote an email to a family friend about Oxford. And it turns out that the email was perfectly informative and worthy of your reading. So enjoy!


Oct 6.

Oxford is wonderful. I have been here for about a month and I absolutely love it. I live at a student house on one of the main roads just north of central Oxford. It is about a 10 minute walk from Wycliffe Hall, where I take classes. Wycliffe is a lovely community, about 150 students. It is the English version of a seminary, therefore predominately male. Most of the students there are studying to be vicars, with a handful of independents, plus the OCCA (my course). The whole Wycliffe community is full of genuine people who truly love each other; I am continually in awe of God's work here.

My course has 13 students (America, England, Ireland, Ukraine, Spain, Hungary, and Africa). All of us are in our 20's, except for two "older folk." We've been together for about 3 weeks now, and are meshing well as a group, as well as integrating into Wycliffe. As for the course itself - the lectures have been great, of course! They've been doing a lot of orientation, preparing us for all the terrifying things that we'll doing! Sometimes I wonder what I've gotten myself into, and yet there's no other place I'd rather be. We're also auditing several Wycliffe classes, as well as University lectures in town - all of which start (officially) next week.

So, in short, I think this is the best place I've ever been. There's something about the city of Oxford and the community at Wycliffe that makes me feel like I belong here, and I never want to leave! I'm not sure if one year will be enough...


In other thoughts - for this summer, I've been pondering the idea of spending 2 or 3 months in some Mediterranean country, helping with a Mission or Ministry...doing God's work while getting a feel for a different culture. It is a very new idea, and I'm not sure how I'll feel about it next week or next month, but it's worth thinking about...

Oxfordian Bliss

I am in love with Oxford, Wycliffe, OCCA, EVERYTHING. I have never been so perpetually ecstatic about anything in all my life - except for the 10 weeks following my baptism. I am happy, and content, and excited, and thankful to God for all that he is doing in my heart, mind, and life. I am making friends daily, and I feel like I've known them forever.

Sometimes I remember that I am here "on my own" and Spiff has long since left, but it sure doesn't feel like it. I feel like I've found the family of believers that I've been searching for my whole life. I've found the community I've been longing for. I'm submerged in the Biblical teaching I've come to love immeasurably. (Though, I should clarify that the English like to welcome you for 2 weeks before they start classes, so we don't have lectures for another week or so...) And I'm studying under some of the world's leading theologians!! (We're talking John Lennox and Alistair McGrath, not to mention Ravi's leading apologists!)

Everything I strived for at Calvary, Camp, and Houghton - community, fellowship, biblical submersion - but was never able to establish, I have found right here at Oxford. I can't even believe that God has provided this, everything I've prayed and ached for all these years. It's more than a dream come true. Each day it gets better and better, and it's only getting started. The students (about 150) are all thriving, genuine Christians training to be leaders in the Church, they are thankful people, and they truly love each other. I've never seen such a healthy or lovely community of believers. (Or so many young men with pregnant wives!)

The OCCA program is made up of 13 students who are meshing immediately. And even though we only met yesterday, we are already sitting together at meals and gatherings, and yet we are integrating so well into the student body that you can hardly tell the OCCA folks from the regular Wycliffe students, because we are all friends together. (Regular Wycliffe students would be the seminary students, most of whom are studying to be ordained in the Anglican church ("ordinands"), as well as a few independents. OCCA is like the "little brother" of Wycliffe...we're not exactly seminary students, but they love us anyway.)

The city of Oxford is beautiful, and safe (OXFORD, people! I'm in friggin Oxford!!!). Several of the OCCA folks are here at the NOOC (where I live), so we see each other pretty often. I even got a ride to Wycliffe by the Spaniard and the Ukrainian. And then later I walked home around 10 all by my lonesome, and felt completely safe. (Safer than I felt at Camp, even.) It's just crazy. This whole experience is crazy.

And guess what! Monday is the 7 month mark of when I got baptized, and fell in love with God all over again. I am sooo excited. It's like a birthday, almost. 7 whole months of the hardest journey of my life, no kidding. 7 is God's perfect number, after all. People, celebrate with me!!!!

The Night

"See!" Joshua said to the people. "This stone will be a witness against us. It has heard all the words the LORD has said to us. It will be a witness against you if you are untrue to your God." (Joshua 24:27)


Following the Lord is hard. Being a Christian is hard. Obedience is hard. Count the cost, Jesus said. And I did. For a week of existential desperation, I searched my heart, devoured Scripture, spent hours in prayer, fasted way more than was healthy. I counted every cent of what it would cost me. I screened the voice of the Lord more meticulously than I ever have before. I had to be sure. I had to know that it was God. I had to know that I was willing to risk everything I was, everything I desired and feared, for this great commission. God had laid out in black and white what he was asking of me. Frankly, he was asking for everything. Everything I never wanted to give.

And yet... it was everything I had vowed to give him on February 24. I just had no idea that this is how he would ask for it. It went against everything the cliche "guard your heart" Christianity would suggest. God was asking - commanding - that I take a risk. The biggest risk I have ever considered. The kind of risk that no one sees. The kind of risk that steers my whole future and how I perceive and interact with other people. It's the kind of risk that puts my whole belief in the goodness of God on the line.

Yes, after a week of existential crisis, I chose to obey. But that wasn't enough. God wanted more. He wanted me to throw my whole life into it, my whole heart, completely and entirely, holding nothing back. "I don't want you to just choose the promises," he said, "I want you to commit to them, forsaking all other possibilities. I want you to live you like you believe. I want you to risk all your dreams on this one promise."

I counted the cost. "If I perish, I perish," I said. I stood tall. I wrestled all hell and hades for what I believed. I trusted in the goodness of God. I fell into blackness and rose up in God's strength. I fought the good fight.

April 13 was the day. It was the day I began to wear the sign of the covenant. It was a witness between God and me of all that had been transacted between us. It was a sign of his promises and of what he had required of me. It was a testament to the world that I believed in the living word of God. It was a physical reminder that I was irrevocably bound to the covenant that God had established.

Yes, I fought the good fight. But a soldier can only fight for so long. The covenant remains, and I remain bound to it. The sign of the covenant still stands as a witness against me if I am ever unfaithful to my God. And it will surely witness the frailty of a weary heart.

The Christian life is one of great cost. It has cost me so much that the world will never see. There is never a moment when I don't feel the loss. In the midst of my Oxford bliss, joy, and unexplainable excitement, my heart is breaking. I've learned the importance of "emotional discipline" - the living of one's life in the midst of emotional struggle. I used to be a slave to my emotions in a way that was dreadfully unhealthy, but God in his grace delivered me of that lifelong bondage. I have learned the freedom of the cross, and of what it means to live as a daughter of the Most High.

But emotional discipline doesn't dismiss the struggles of the heart. The heart never sleeps. If the heart is breaking, you never cease to feel it. Life has never been more amazing and beautiful than it is right now. But in the Spirit of God, I have chosen to love, and with such a choice there is brokenness. When you make that choice without looking back, it costs you everything. I counted the cost, and in obedience to God, I chose it. And daily I feel the bitterness of that choice. But I have set my hand to the plough, and I cannot turn back. I have chosen that which is good, and I cannot release it. I have chosen to follow the Lord with all of my heart, for this is what he has required of me. Here I stand; I can do nothing else. Blessed be the Name of the LORD.

Faith and Commitment

"I began to dwell on the differences and difficulties . . . All that was the negative side. The positive side could be summed up in one brief sentence: God had spoken. Clearly, supernaturally, He had revealed his plan--first of all to me alone. Then, through a fellow Christian, he had confirmed it just as clearly, just as supernaturally. This had not come in response to my prayers, or even my desires. The whole revelation had its source solely in the sovereign will of God. If I were to reject God's will so clearly revealed, how could I expect His blessing on my future? . . . He was asking me to commit myself in faith to the plan He had revealed, and then to allow Him to work out for me the things I could not work out for myself. Finally I came to this point of commitment. So far as I understood God's plan for my life, I embraced it."

Derek Prince

All Manner of Things

After a week of gallivanting around Oxford, I am pretty tired. But I've had a few things on my mind. I've been thinking about Gideon and his 300 men, John the Baptist and the "eschatological bachelor party," and the adventures of my own life. I've been considering the great cost involved in following Jesus. It's the cost of perishing . . . of dying to ourselves, so that we might decrease and he might increase. The entire purpose of our lives revolves around obtaining the favor of the Lord. Everything we do, small or great, should be to gain the favor of God. But the favor of God is a high calling. It is a path that requires many deaths. "Take up your cross and follow me daily," Jesus said. Sometimes those deaths involve seeing your highest hopes come to naught.

Over 6 months ago, a lot of things changed. God established a covenant. He made me promises and laid down the requirements. At first, it was scary; it was a risk to believe God and to follow him into the shadows of uncertainty. But he was faithful. He confirmed his leading and asked me to believe. He asked me to walk daily in the promises and to seek unreservedly the favor of the Lord. So that's what I did. And even though it was hard, God was powerfully at work in ways that blew my mind. He daily evidenced my faith. He literally worked miracles that dropped my jaw. More than ever, I believed.

But things aren't always so peachy. Why is it that we doubt God's promises in the desert of uncertainty, when he's the one that gave us manna; he's the one that gave us water from the rock? It was his flaming cloud of protection that encamped around us day and night. If he proved himself faithful at the Red Sea, will he not prove himself faithful in the desert?

But we say, "Well, Lord, where's the manna now, huh? Where's the water?"

The funny thing is . . . when he doesn't give you manna, and he doesn't give you water, he gives your body the strength to go without it.

But, we say, "We're tired. It hurts. I feel the hunger pangs."

He answers... "Man does not live on bread alone, but on the Word of God."

"But the Word is long in coming," we say. "Your promises are starving themselves dry."

"The revelation awaits an appointed time," he answers. "Though it linger, wait for it. It will surely come and will not delay. But you, my righteous one, will live by faith. If you shrink back, I will not be pleased with you."

"But how much longer?" we say.

He answers, "Do you not remember the former things? My mouth announced them and I made them known; then suddenly I acted, and they came to pass. As I have done before, so will I do again."

And all we can do is sigh quietly, bow our heads, and concede, "Not my will, but thine be done."




And just when we think the conversation is over, we hear that still, small voice whisper gently...

All shall be well. All manner of things shall be well.

Divine appointments aren't always what you expect

'Twas a sore reminder of all I loved and lost. With a dreadful surprise, I realized that three years didn't change as much as I thought it did. I look back and see how much I've changed, how much my life has changed, how much the circumstances have (blatantly) changed, and yet, what matters most remains terribly the same. And I'm left pondering the sinking implications.

Even so, I know that God is good. Let God be true and every man a liar. He who promised is faithful. And even in the glaring face of grim reality, his goodness is unchanging.

* * *

In other news, I'm now in New Hampshire, Nate's wedding was wonderful, and I leave for England on Tuesday. Please continue to keep me in prayer these last 3 days as I seek the Lord about all he has required of me these last 6 months, and what more he requires here at the end of this chapter. Pray that I will stay the course, keep the faith, and have the courage to finish strong. It's not easy, this course he set me on. And in all honesty, it can only get harder. But ya know, it's worth it. The favor of the Lord is worth it.

Good night, good faith.

Stay the Course

'nuf said.

Something about forgiveness

Complete, unadulterated, unconditional forgiveness. The cross sure does bring a lot into perspective.

"If you can't forgive, the cross means nothing." (Gelok)



Now, Redemption . . . takes a lot more work.

There Are Two Things I Believe In:

Coffee and Chocolate.

Coffee not only tastes great, but it gives me that high / rush / buzz and a burst of perpetual energy. And makes me feel happy. And then chocolate also tastes amazing, but it makes me feel better on a bad day, and just gives me that feeling of satisfaction and contentment.

Yes, I believe in coffee and chocolate.

And then I realized something. I was thinking about Oxford (WHEE!!) and getting super excited. Not because it's England, but because it's apologetics on steroids. And as time passes, I'm learning more and more how much apologetics gives me this grand rush. It's like coffee.

Seriously, though. My first night in Israel, I had been awake for 2 days straight (because of the flight & time change) and was exhausted beyond measure. But as soon as theology came up in conversation, I went at it full throttle for an hour. Fully energized.

Therefore, this is the conclusion of the matter:

Apologetics is like coffee.
Love is like chocolate.



And then chocolate coffee is like Priscilla and Aquila in Acts. Apologetics and romance irrevocably intertwined.

Authentic Jade

"It's not just a feeling; it's a reason. We know a line is crooked 'cause we know what's straight."

All good things come from God
And all good things go back to God

"If he shrinks back . . ."

From This Day We Fight by Francis Frangipane


Everything God tells us to do will, at some point, require us to stand against seemingly impossible odds and believe courageously what He has said. True faith takes courage. In the midst of human struggle, courage must walk as the companion and expression of our faith.

In order for faith to mature it needs situations where faith alone can sustain us. For this reason God will allow us to go through times when we must trust Him in spite of how things appear. In those times, against the glaring face of a negative reality, true faith arises, appropriates courage and locks into the integrity of God's promise. We must let faith arise in the context of resistance.


For in just a very little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him. (Heb 10:37-38)

To Live By Faith

From This Day We Fight by Francis Frangipane:


For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.
See, he is puffed up; his desires are not upright— but the righteous will live by his faith. (Hab 2:3-4)


To "live by faith" is to believe God until the vision He gave comes to pass.

You see, this is not about the fulfillment of our lives but the fulfillment of God's Word. God's Word cannot return to Him void without fulfilling the purpose for which He spoke it.

Whom shall we believe? The report of the Lord or the words of those who refuse to see the light? Shall we take the counsel from the blind if they cannot see the potential we see? Let us take God at his word. Let me state this again: Jesus Himself assures us that "All things are possible to him who believes." Do you believe? Or are you just a nice believer who goes to church?

Beloved, if we fail, it is no great shame. We simply join the ranks of the spiritual heroes who went before us and "died in faith, without receiving the promises." In truth, it is better to die in faith than to live in doubt.

But consider: What if we succeed?

A Summer of Old Friends

JOE BOOT!

And his lovely/hilarious/wonderful wife, Jenny.
I met them in Colorado last November, so it was good to see them again last week. Currently my favorite people.



McGinness!
An old friend from '03. This was also last week.

The Lisabean!
Came to Maryland a couple weeks ago. Flew in for a visit after being apart for 5 years. They call us "Lisa Squared."



The Frost.
My little dog of 11 years.



And little Sarabeth...
We were housekeepers together in 2003. Came for a visit in May after 4 years. Like the chihuahua?




You can find the complete collection on FACEBOOK. Get thee thence. And add me if you haven't already, slacker.

Call me a biased RZIM intern, but...

I'm of the opinion that Joe Boot is pretty darned swell.

The Depth of Identity

Catherine Marshall, To Live Again:


. . . Our most sensitive awareness of ourselves as a person has come through our relationship with one man. Soon after we met him, we found that in his presence we were aware of our feminity as never before.

With a new awareness, we understood that men and women were meant to be different.

But life dealt us a blow . . . We who had known completeness only in our relationship with a man who loved us, were now asked to be complete within ourselves. In order to survive, we have had to do a hundred things we had never done before.

We managed all this by summoning up latent masculine qualities we did not know we possessed--the necessity of accepting responsibility, aggressiveness, competitiveness, drive, a partial submerging of feeling in favor of reason.

But a woman's need is to be loved for herself, not for any accomplishment. A true woman finds her reassurance, her reason for living, by looking into the eyes of a man who loves her. And when that is withdrawn from her--well--then what? She may achieve something that society recognizes as fine, only to find herself unable to accept society's new estimate of her.

I had performed a certain mission. The world said that it had helped many. But as a woman I was not impressed with any accomplishment of mine. As a woman I felt drained, empty.

I stood looking back over the way I had traveled since Peter's death and knew that my personal answer to whether or not a woman can replace marriage with a career and find it satisfying was--no, definitely not.

The career left the woman still wanting to be--only a woman.

The Danger of Safety

"Anxiety is a greater sin than making the wrong decision. We're indecisive because we want to be safe. It paralyzes us. And that paralysis is sin. God is sovereign. He is not surprised by the decisions we make. Everything that happens falls perfectly into his will. And there's no reason we should be worried about falling into his will." Nate Towers



From a previous post:

There's a great song lyric that says, "The lie is always cheaper than the truth." And it's true. But on the flip side, the greatest treasures will only be won "at immense cost and discipline." When the Lord asks you to walk in faith, a part of you dies. You pay dearly to follow the Lord - whether it be emotionally, physically, relationally. But you pay. You always pay. If it's free, you have to wonder if it's really God. Your friends, who only mean the best, will say, "Be careful. Don't do it. I don't want to see you get hurt." But when has following Christ not involved suffering? Obedience does not mean safety. I think one of our biggest problems as Christians is that we think we need to be safe, and we want our friends to be safe. Obviously, we shouldn't be stupid. But if we're truly following the Lord, there will be risk. And with risk there will be scars. With obedience there will be suffering.

To Revere the Covenant

Catherine Marshall, To Live Again

. . . But all my human efforts had failed to curb my husband's whirlwind pace. Nothing seemed left for me but a complete relinquishment of the man I loved to the Lord. It was indeed like trusting myself to the water. My feeling was like that of a child poised and teetering on the end of a high diving board.

At that time out of the depths of my fear I had made an act of giving Peter's future and mine to God for Him to do with as he pleased. The relinquishment had been as complete as I was able to make it. It had been made in my will, even as my every human emotion had cried out against it.

But now, months later, God was saying, "Apparently you did not really mean that relinquishment that day. . . ." The clear implication seemed to be that God had taken the transaction between us, made in my will, at face value, as a covenant, as He always does a promise made to Him by one of his children. I was now being challenged. My bluff was being called. Did I really believe in the existence of God enough to believe that when I spoke to him, he heard; when I made Him a promise, He accepted it and held me to it?



"See!" Joshua said to the people. "This stone will be a witness against us. It has heard all the words the LORD has said to us. It will be a witness against you if you are untrue to your God." (Joshua 24:27)

Eastern Shadows

I hang in suspended decent
Over the bottomless chasm of uncertainty
In my heart, the sentence of death
Sysiphus, my destiny

Twisted knots of fear-induced paralysis
Consumes the inner yearnings of starving desolation
Yet with fierce composure presses
The force of breathless resignation
Anticipation drained to dregs
Of bitter suffocation

Death engulfs, with hell to swarm
With face as flint and blood blade-worn
A fastened jaw, a thorn embraced
The beating heart of hope enraged
A cry of justice silenced, torn
From life itself, cut, scalped and shorn
The blood of hope poured over coal
With murdered oaths and vows untold

A screech, a cry, from sky above
A shadowed form to shield the sun
With wings outstretched to hide the day
My dying sight - a Bird of Prey

"If God promised it, then yes."

I don't remember what the question was, but it was a really good answer. So simple, so true. And from someone who isn't even a Christian. . .

I went on to ask him, "But how do you know?"

His response was, "I don't know. But you know God, and you know what he said, and I trust your judgment."




Humbling, really.