On the Streets of Oxford...

Last weekend, I wrote an email to a family friend about Oxford. And it turns out that the email was perfectly informative and worthy of your reading. So enjoy!


Oct 6.

Oxford is wonderful. I have been here for about a month and I absolutely love it. I live at a student house on one of the main roads just north of central Oxford. It is about a 10 minute walk from Wycliffe Hall, where I take classes. Wycliffe is a lovely community, about 150 students. It is the English version of a seminary, therefore predominately male. Most of the students there are studying to be vicars, with a handful of independents, plus the OCCA (my course). The whole Wycliffe community is full of genuine people who truly love each other; I am continually in awe of God's work here.

My course has 13 students (America, England, Ireland, Ukraine, Spain, Hungary, and Africa). All of us are in our 20's, except for two "older folk." We've been together for about 3 weeks now, and are meshing well as a group, as well as integrating into Wycliffe. As for the course itself - the lectures have been great, of course! They've been doing a lot of orientation, preparing us for all the terrifying things that we'll doing! Sometimes I wonder what I've gotten myself into, and yet there's no other place I'd rather be. We're also auditing several Wycliffe classes, as well as University lectures in town - all of which start (officially) next week.

So, in short, I think this is the best place I've ever been. There's something about the city of Oxford and the community at Wycliffe that makes me feel like I belong here, and I never want to leave! I'm not sure if one year will be enough...


In other thoughts - for this summer, I've been pondering the idea of spending 2 or 3 months in some Mediterranean country, helping with a Mission or Ministry...doing God's work while getting a feel for a different culture. It is a very new idea, and I'm not sure how I'll feel about it next week or next month, but it's worth thinking about...

Oxfordian Bliss

I am in love with Oxford, Wycliffe, OCCA, EVERYTHING. I have never been so perpetually ecstatic about anything in all my life - except for the 10 weeks following my baptism. I am happy, and content, and excited, and thankful to God for all that he is doing in my heart, mind, and life. I am making friends daily, and I feel like I've known them forever.

Sometimes I remember that I am here "on my own" and Spiff has long since left, but it sure doesn't feel like it. I feel like I've found the family of believers that I've been searching for my whole life. I've found the community I've been longing for. I'm submerged in the Biblical teaching I've come to love immeasurably. (Though, I should clarify that the English like to welcome you for 2 weeks before they start classes, so we don't have lectures for another week or so...) And I'm studying under some of the world's leading theologians!! (We're talking John Lennox and Alistair McGrath, not to mention Ravi's leading apologists!)

Everything I strived for at Calvary, Camp, and Houghton - community, fellowship, biblical submersion - but was never able to establish, I have found right here at Oxford. I can't even believe that God has provided this, everything I've prayed and ached for all these years. It's more than a dream come true. Each day it gets better and better, and it's only getting started. The students (about 150) are all thriving, genuine Christians training to be leaders in the Church, they are thankful people, and they truly love each other. I've never seen such a healthy or lovely community of believers. (Or so many young men with pregnant wives!)

The OCCA program is made up of 13 students who are meshing immediately. And even though we only met yesterday, we are already sitting together at meals and gatherings, and yet we are integrating so well into the student body that you can hardly tell the OCCA folks from the regular Wycliffe students, because we are all friends together. (Regular Wycliffe students would be the seminary students, most of whom are studying to be ordained in the Anglican church ("ordinands"), as well as a few independents. OCCA is like the "little brother" of Wycliffe...we're not exactly seminary students, but they love us anyway.)

The city of Oxford is beautiful, and safe (OXFORD, people! I'm in friggin Oxford!!!). Several of the OCCA folks are here at the NOOC (where I live), so we see each other pretty often. I even got a ride to Wycliffe by the Spaniard and the Ukrainian. And then later I walked home around 10 all by my lonesome, and felt completely safe. (Safer than I felt at Camp, even.) It's just crazy. This whole experience is crazy.

And guess what! Monday is the 7 month mark of when I got baptized, and fell in love with God all over again. I am sooo excited. It's like a birthday, almost. 7 whole months of the hardest journey of my life, no kidding. 7 is God's perfect number, after all. People, celebrate with me!!!!

The Night

"See!" Joshua said to the people. "This stone will be a witness against us. It has heard all the words the LORD has said to us. It will be a witness against you if you are untrue to your God." (Joshua 24:27)


Following the Lord is hard. Being a Christian is hard. Obedience is hard. Count the cost, Jesus said. And I did. For a week of existential desperation, I searched my heart, devoured Scripture, spent hours in prayer, fasted way more than was healthy. I counted every cent of what it would cost me. I screened the voice of the Lord more meticulously than I ever have before. I had to be sure. I had to know that it was God. I had to know that I was willing to risk everything I was, everything I desired and feared, for this great commission. God had laid out in black and white what he was asking of me. Frankly, he was asking for everything. Everything I never wanted to give.

And yet... it was everything I had vowed to give him on February 24. I just had no idea that this is how he would ask for it. It went against everything the cliche "guard your heart" Christianity would suggest. God was asking - commanding - that I take a risk. The biggest risk I have ever considered. The kind of risk that no one sees. The kind of risk that steers my whole future and how I perceive and interact with other people. It's the kind of risk that puts my whole belief in the goodness of God on the line.

Yes, after a week of existential crisis, I chose to obey. But that wasn't enough. God wanted more. He wanted me to throw my whole life into it, my whole heart, completely and entirely, holding nothing back. "I don't want you to just choose the promises," he said, "I want you to commit to them, forsaking all other possibilities. I want you to live you like you believe. I want you to risk all your dreams on this one promise."

I counted the cost. "If I perish, I perish," I said. I stood tall. I wrestled all hell and hades for what I believed. I trusted in the goodness of God. I fell into blackness and rose up in God's strength. I fought the good fight.

April 13 was the day. It was the day I began to wear the sign of the covenant. It was a witness between God and me of all that had been transacted between us. It was a sign of his promises and of what he had required of me. It was a testament to the world that I believed in the living word of God. It was a physical reminder that I was irrevocably bound to the covenant that God had established.

Yes, I fought the good fight. But a soldier can only fight for so long. The covenant remains, and I remain bound to it. The sign of the covenant still stands as a witness against me if I am ever unfaithful to my God. And it will surely witness the frailty of a weary heart.

The Christian life is one of great cost. It has cost me so much that the world will never see. There is never a moment when I don't feel the loss. In the midst of my Oxford bliss, joy, and unexplainable excitement, my heart is breaking. I've learned the importance of "emotional discipline" - the living of one's life in the midst of emotional struggle. I used to be a slave to my emotions in a way that was dreadfully unhealthy, but God in his grace delivered me of that lifelong bondage. I have learned the freedom of the cross, and of what it means to live as a daughter of the Most High.

But emotional discipline doesn't dismiss the struggles of the heart. The heart never sleeps. If the heart is breaking, you never cease to feel it. Life has never been more amazing and beautiful than it is right now. But in the Spirit of God, I have chosen to love, and with such a choice there is brokenness. When you make that choice without looking back, it costs you everything. I counted the cost, and in obedience to God, I chose it. And daily I feel the bitterness of that choice. But I have set my hand to the plough, and I cannot turn back. I have chosen that which is good, and I cannot release it. I have chosen to follow the Lord with all of my heart, for this is what he has required of me. Here I stand; I can do nothing else. Blessed be the Name of the LORD.

Faith and Commitment

"I began to dwell on the differences and difficulties . . . All that was the negative side. The positive side could be summed up in one brief sentence: God had spoken. Clearly, supernaturally, He had revealed his plan--first of all to me alone. Then, through a fellow Christian, he had confirmed it just as clearly, just as supernaturally. This had not come in response to my prayers, or even my desires. The whole revelation had its source solely in the sovereign will of God. If I were to reject God's will so clearly revealed, how could I expect His blessing on my future? . . . He was asking me to commit myself in faith to the plan He had revealed, and then to allow Him to work out for me the things I could not work out for myself. Finally I came to this point of commitment. So far as I understood God's plan for my life, I embraced it."

Derek Prince

All Manner of Things

After a week of gallivanting around Oxford, I am pretty tired. But I've had a few things on my mind. I've been thinking about Gideon and his 300 men, John the Baptist and the "eschatological bachelor party," and the adventures of my own life. I've been considering the great cost involved in following Jesus. It's the cost of perishing . . . of dying to ourselves, so that we might decrease and he might increase. The entire purpose of our lives revolves around obtaining the favor of the Lord. Everything we do, small or great, should be to gain the favor of God. But the favor of God is a high calling. It is a path that requires many deaths. "Take up your cross and follow me daily," Jesus said. Sometimes those deaths involve seeing your highest hopes come to naught.

Over 6 months ago, a lot of things changed. God established a covenant. He made me promises and laid down the requirements. At first, it was scary; it was a risk to believe God and to follow him into the shadows of uncertainty. But he was faithful. He confirmed his leading and asked me to believe. He asked me to walk daily in the promises and to seek unreservedly the favor of the Lord. So that's what I did. And even though it was hard, God was powerfully at work in ways that blew my mind. He daily evidenced my faith. He literally worked miracles that dropped my jaw. More than ever, I believed.

But things aren't always so peachy. Why is it that we doubt God's promises in the desert of uncertainty, when he's the one that gave us manna; he's the one that gave us water from the rock? It was his flaming cloud of protection that encamped around us day and night. If he proved himself faithful at the Red Sea, will he not prove himself faithful in the desert?

But we say, "Well, Lord, where's the manna now, huh? Where's the water?"

The funny thing is . . . when he doesn't give you manna, and he doesn't give you water, he gives your body the strength to go without it.

But, we say, "We're tired. It hurts. I feel the hunger pangs."

He answers... "Man does not live on bread alone, but on the Word of God."

"But the Word is long in coming," we say. "Your promises are starving themselves dry."

"The revelation awaits an appointed time," he answers. "Though it linger, wait for it. It will surely come and will not delay. But you, my righteous one, will live by faith. If you shrink back, I will not be pleased with you."

"But how much longer?" we say.

He answers, "Do you not remember the former things? My mouth announced them and I made them known; then suddenly I acted, and they came to pass. As I have done before, so will I do again."

And all we can do is sigh quietly, bow our heads, and concede, "Not my will, but thine be done."




And just when we think the conversation is over, we hear that still, small voice whisper gently...

All shall be well. All manner of things shall be well.

Divine appointments aren't always what you expect

'Twas a sore reminder of all I loved and lost. With a dreadful surprise, I realized that three years didn't change as much as I thought it did. I look back and see how much I've changed, how much my life has changed, how much the circumstances have (blatantly) changed, and yet, what matters most remains terribly the same. And I'm left pondering the sinking implications.

Even so, I know that God is good. Let God be true and every man a liar. He who promised is faithful. And even in the glaring face of grim reality, his goodness is unchanging.

* * *

In other news, I'm now in New Hampshire, Nate's wedding was wonderful, and I leave for England on Tuesday. Please continue to keep me in prayer these last 3 days as I seek the Lord about all he has required of me these last 6 months, and what more he requires here at the end of this chapter. Pray that I will stay the course, keep the faith, and have the courage to finish strong. It's not easy, this course he set me on. And in all honesty, it can only get harder. But ya know, it's worth it. The favor of the Lord is worth it.

Good night, good faith.

Stay the Course

'nuf said.

Something about forgiveness

Complete, unadulterated, unconditional forgiveness. The cross sure does bring a lot into perspective.

"If you can't forgive, the cross means nothing." (Gelok)



Now, Redemption . . . takes a lot more work.

There Are Two Things I Believe In:

Coffee and Chocolate.

Coffee not only tastes great, but it gives me that high / rush / buzz and a burst of perpetual energy. And makes me feel happy. And then chocolate also tastes amazing, but it makes me feel better on a bad day, and just gives me that feeling of satisfaction and contentment.

Yes, I believe in coffee and chocolate.

And then I realized something. I was thinking about Oxford (WHEE!!) and getting super excited. Not because it's England, but because it's apologetics on steroids. And as time passes, I'm learning more and more how much apologetics gives me this grand rush. It's like coffee.

Seriously, though. My first night in Israel, I had been awake for 2 days straight (because of the flight & time change) and was exhausted beyond measure. But as soon as theology came up in conversation, I went at it full throttle for an hour. Fully energized.

Therefore, this is the conclusion of the matter:

Apologetics is like coffee.
Love is like chocolate.



And then chocolate coffee is like Priscilla and Aquila in Acts. Apologetics and romance irrevocably intertwined.

Authentic Jade

"It's not just a feeling; it's a reason. We know a line is crooked 'cause we know what's straight."

All good things come from God
And all good things go back to God

"If he shrinks back . . ."

From This Day We Fight by Francis Frangipane


Everything God tells us to do will, at some point, require us to stand against seemingly impossible odds and believe courageously what He has said. True faith takes courage. In the midst of human struggle, courage must walk as the companion and expression of our faith.

In order for faith to mature it needs situations where faith alone can sustain us. For this reason God will allow us to go through times when we must trust Him in spite of how things appear. In those times, against the glaring face of a negative reality, true faith arises, appropriates courage and locks into the integrity of God's promise. We must let faith arise in the context of resistance.


For in just a very little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him. (Heb 10:37-38)

To Live By Faith

From This Day We Fight by Francis Frangipane:


For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.
See, he is puffed up; his desires are not upright— but the righteous will live by his faith. (Hab 2:3-4)


To "live by faith" is to believe God until the vision He gave comes to pass.

You see, this is not about the fulfillment of our lives but the fulfillment of God's Word. God's Word cannot return to Him void without fulfilling the purpose for which He spoke it.

Whom shall we believe? The report of the Lord or the words of those who refuse to see the light? Shall we take the counsel from the blind if they cannot see the potential we see? Let us take God at his word. Let me state this again: Jesus Himself assures us that "All things are possible to him who believes." Do you believe? Or are you just a nice believer who goes to church?

Beloved, if we fail, it is no great shame. We simply join the ranks of the spiritual heroes who went before us and "died in faith, without receiving the promises." In truth, it is better to die in faith than to live in doubt.

But consider: What if we succeed?

A Summer of Old Friends

JOE BOOT!

And his lovely/hilarious/wonderful wife, Jenny.
I met them in Colorado last November, so it was good to see them again last week. Currently my favorite people.



McGinness!
An old friend from '03. This was also last week.

The Lisabean!
Came to Maryland a couple weeks ago. Flew in for a visit after being apart for 5 years. They call us "Lisa Squared."



The Frost.
My little dog of 11 years.



And little Sarabeth...
We were housekeepers together in 2003. Came for a visit in May after 4 years. Like the chihuahua?




You can find the complete collection on FACEBOOK. Get thee thence. And add me if you haven't already, slacker.

Call me a biased RZIM intern, but...

I'm of the opinion that Joe Boot is pretty darned swell.

The Depth of Identity

Catherine Marshall, To Live Again:


. . . Our most sensitive awareness of ourselves as a person has come through our relationship with one man. Soon after we met him, we found that in his presence we were aware of our feminity as never before.

With a new awareness, we understood that men and women were meant to be different.

But life dealt us a blow . . . We who had known completeness only in our relationship with a man who loved us, were now asked to be complete within ourselves. In order to survive, we have had to do a hundred things we had never done before.

We managed all this by summoning up latent masculine qualities we did not know we possessed--the necessity of accepting responsibility, aggressiveness, competitiveness, drive, a partial submerging of feeling in favor of reason.

But a woman's need is to be loved for herself, not for any accomplishment. A true woman finds her reassurance, her reason for living, by looking into the eyes of a man who loves her. And when that is withdrawn from her--well--then what? She may achieve something that society recognizes as fine, only to find herself unable to accept society's new estimate of her.

I had performed a certain mission. The world said that it had helped many. But as a woman I was not impressed with any accomplishment of mine. As a woman I felt drained, empty.

I stood looking back over the way I had traveled since Peter's death and knew that my personal answer to whether or not a woman can replace marriage with a career and find it satisfying was--no, definitely not.

The career left the woman still wanting to be--only a woman.

The Danger of Safety

"Anxiety is a greater sin than making the wrong decision. We're indecisive because we want to be safe. It paralyzes us. And that paralysis is sin. God is sovereign. He is not surprised by the decisions we make. Everything that happens falls perfectly into his will. And there's no reason we should be worried about falling into his will." Nate Towers



From a previous post:

There's a great song lyric that says, "The lie is always cheaper than the truth." And it's true. But on the flip side, the greatest treasures will only be won "at immense cost and discipline." When the Lord asks you to walk in faith, a part of you dies. You pay dearly to follow the Lord - whether it be emotionally, physically, relationally. But you pay. You always pay. If it's free, you have to wonder if it's really God. Your friends, who only mean the best, will say, "Be careful. Don't do it. I don't want to see you get hurt." But when has following Christ not involved suffering? Obedience does not mean safety. I think one of our biggest problems as Christians is that we think we need to be safe, and we want our friends to be safe. Obviously, we shouldn't be stupid. But if we're truly following the Lord, there will be risk. And with risk there will be scars. With obedience there will be suffering.

To Revere the Covenant

Catherine Marshall, To Live Again

. . . But all my human efforts had failed to curb my husband's whirlwind pace. Nothing seemed left for me but a complete relinquishment of the man I loved to the Lord. It was indeed like trusting myself to the water. My feeling was like that of a child poised and teetering on the end of a high diving board.

At that time out of the depths of my fear I had made an act of giving Peter's future and mine to God for Him to do with as he pleased. The relinquishment had been as complete as I was able to make it. It had been made in my will, even as my every human emotion had cried out against it.

But now, months later, God was saying, "Apparently you did not really mean that relinquishment that day. . . ." The clear implication seemed to be that God had taken the transaction between us, made in my will, at face value, as a covenant, as He always does a promise made to Him by one of his children. I was now being challenged. My bluff was being called. Did I really believe in the existence of God enough to believe that when I spoke to him, he heard; when I made Him a promise, He accepted it and held me to it?



"See!" Joshua said to the people. "This stone will be a witness against us. It has heard all the words the LORD has said to us. It will be a witness against you if you are untrue to your God." (Joshua 24:27)

Eastern Shadows

I hang in suspended decent
Over the bottomless chasm of uncertainty
In my heart, the sentence of death
Sysiphus, my destiny

Twisted knots of fear-induced paralysis
Consumes the inner yearnings of starving desolation
Yet with fierce composure presses
The force of breathless resignation
Anticipation drained to dregs
Of bitter suffocation

Death engulfs, with hell to swarm
With face as flint and blood blade-worn
A fastened jaw, a thorn embraced
The beating heart of hope enraged
A cry of justice silenced, torn
From life itself, cut, scalped and shorn
The blood of hope poured over coal
With murdered oaths and vows untold

A screech, a cry, from sky above
A shadowed form to shield the sun
With wings outstretched to hide the day
My dying sight - a Bird of Prey

"If God promised it, then yes."

I don't remember what the question was, but it was a really good answer. So simple, so true. And from someone who isn't even a Christian. . .

I went on to ask him, "But how do you know?"

His response was, "I don't know. But you know God, and you know what he said, and I trust your judgment."




Humbling, really.

The Risk of Releasing

This is an excerpt from a piece I wrote two years ago. For the rest of it, go here.


". . . It took me until the following afternoon before I had the courage to move beyond my demand for his contrition and forgive this man who had so hurt me. Courage, I say, because forgiveness is a risk. It means so much more than merely canceling a debt. True forgiveness involves surrender. True surrender involves releasing everything—demands, expectations, bitterness, and, ultimately, the offender’s guilt. I could not make the situation into what I wanted it to be; I could not pretend that I had the power and strength to manipulate the circumstance. Surrender would make me weak and vulnerable—or rather, it would expose this as my true condition. I had to relinquish control to God. In choosing to trust God, I was forced to lose hope in everything else. In clinging to Christ, I had to release the offender, only to risk him never understanding, never caring. By walking away, I was risking him letting me go."



It's a risk that burns you. But it's a burn that erodes the flesh and brings forth new life. "Who of us can dwell with everlasting burning? He who walks righteously..." Righteousness involves belief. Belief involves obedience.

One thing I have learned: Obedience involves risk. It's a leap into the bottomless chasm of uncertainty. If the leap should bring "death," then I believe in the God who raises the dead. But if he should give us wings, then may it be that we rise to the heavens.

Raise us up, Lord Jesus.

Sisyphus

I don't just want to be forgiven.
I want to be changed.

What Has Gone Before

All good things come from God
and all good things go back to God
For God is good
and in his goodness I rest

The Cost of Obedience

In response to my last post, Christina asked, "How can we have God's favor in our relationships? Or anything else, for that matter?" My answer comes in the form of a quote, and part of an email I recently wrote to a friend.


THE QUOTE:

"Often God does things in our life that may not fit our grid of 'normal.' But 'normal' to God isn't a set formula, it's obedience no matter what the cost, absolute trust in His leading, and total dependence upon Him for the outcome." (Eric Ludy)


THE EMAIL:

. . . If I know nothing else, and if I have been deceived beyond all deception and have believed a lie, I know the Lord has commanded me to obey. If I lose everything, and I am again left alone, then I will have gained one thing: the favor of the Lord. The favor of the Lord outweighs the delights of the heart.

For though I desire fulfillment, those desires must be offered unreservedly to the God who is close to the contrite. And though I desire the favor of men, I must seek the favor of the Lord. I must obey, regardless of the cost, knowing that there is a joy set before me that is worth the pain, the suffering, the nights of empty longing. To set my face like flint, to endure the cross and scorn its shame, is to follow in the path of Christ, a path laden with heartache and loss. But there is beauty beyond the suffering, and for that beauty I strive.

Looking back over my life, there has been nothing more beautiful than one lonely night sophomore year. After two difficult years of learning the cost of obedience, the Lord closed that chapter with his own hand. But even in the closing of a chapter, there is loss. There is always loss. But in the darkness of my loss, the Lord met me. And in my dark and lonely hour, I received words of favor from the Lord, words that made those two hard years make sense. They were words that showed me the value of obedience and brokenness. It is those words of favor I remember when I want to abandon this living hope. I think of the beauty I might miss if I don't stay the course. I think of the beauty I might gain should I press on. I think of the Lord's favor, and how it is more desirable than fulfillment. For I can live without earthly fulfillment, but I cannot live without my God.

This I know. Indeed, I have paid dearly the cost for which I never bargained. I have lost the treasures of my very self, and yet I have survived. I have learned there is life after loss, and the God for which I labor is worth those empty nights. I have yet to see the restoration of all I have lost, and yet I hope, I wait, I believe. One day his salvation will come, and I will wait for that day. If all for which I have hoped comes to naught, I will still believe that my God will come. I will still wait for his deliverance. I know that one day he will restore the years the locusts have eaten. One day, he will atone for the sufferings that I have endured. I will wait for him. He came through for me once, and it is that memory I will not release. He came for me. And though he linger, I will wait. He will surely come and will not delay. If I lose all for which I have labored, then may it be that I gain the favor of the Lord, which no man can rob from me.

The Favor of the Lord

"Many young couples struggle with problems in their marriage that they cannot trace to their source. They are committed to the Lord and to one another. There is a genuine love between them. Yet their is an indefinable something missing, which is God's favor."

"There is one thing you must do above all others: You must diligently cultivate the Lord's favor. His satisfaction must be your highest ambition. Make God's favor the supreme object of living." (Derek Prince)


"Remember me for this, O my God, and do not blot out what I have so faithfully done. . . . Remember me with favor, O my God." (Nehemiah 13:14, 31)

"This is what the LORD says: 'In the time of my favor I will answer you, and in the day of salvation I will help you.'" (Isaiah 49:8)

Good Night, Good Faith

The wise heart will know the proper time and procedure.
For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter,
though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him. (Ecc 8:5-6)


good night, good faith
you made it through the day
in weakness you're a little bit stronger

good night, good faith
i swear it's worth the wait
you can believe a little while longer

New Drawing: Akylos

A guy in my novel, modelled after Ian Galloway.

For more info, go to www.LisaCoutras.com.

Old Drawings:

Beth (Kristin Rarick) and Caelis (Jeremy Clifton).

When Neither Choice is Safe

They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. (Rev 12:11)

A few weeks ago, I told a friend, “If you only have two options, and neither is safe, choose the more dangerous one.” Think about it. Let’s say you’re on death row. You’re going to die. And yet you are given two choices. With the first choice, you can sit around in prison and starve to death. With the second choice, you can battle a fire-breathing dragon that will potentially rip you limb from limb and eat you alive. Which would you choose? Starving in prison would be less painful. And yet, with the fire-breathing dragon, you at least have a fighting chance. And if you die by the dragon’s fangs, then at least you gave everything you had. You fought that beast. You died a glorious death. You will go down a hero, one who gave everything he had and held nothing back.

Two choices. Neither are safe. With the first, your death is sure, and boring. With the second, you have a chance you might live, with a high dose of adventure attached. But even if you die, you’ll die in glory. If you have only two choices and neither are safe, go with the more dangerous one.

Here’s another way I’ve looked at this: you’re standing on the edge of a cliff. You can’t go anywhere but forward. But . . . there’s a cliff. It’s steep, it’s a long way down, and if you go off the edge, you’re sure to go *kisplat* on the ground below. But you can’t see the ground, or even what’s in front of you, because it’s dark and foggy and you’ve absolutely no idea what’s beyond the edge.

So what do you do? On the one hand, you can have some invisible thing forcefully nudge you off the edge . . . and there you go, slipping ever so un-gracefully over the edge, scraping yourself up and bouncing off the wall of the cliff the whole way down, and to your death you go.

But what’s the other option? You go several steps back and take a running start. You fling yourself off into the abyss as high and far as you can leap. Feel the wind rushing in your face as you feel yourself fall. After all, it’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end. So off you go, into the blackness, into the unknown, knowing that your fate is sure to come. But at least you got to enjoy the fall before you got there.

But what if God promised you wings? Would you jump? If you had only two options, would you go for the more dangerous one, knowing there’s a promise attached? Say you faced the fire-breathing dragon and God promised he would give you an enchanted sword and shield (like in Sleeping Beauty!). Would you face the dragon, trusting he’d provide the sword and shield in the midst of battle? Would you do it? Would you trust him?

See, I think that as Christians, we oftentimes don’t really believe in the promises of God. When was the last time you truly believed God would raise someone from the dead? If he “doesn’t do that anymore,” then what makes you think he did it back then? If you don’t believe God still raises the dead today, then by golly, he probably didn’t raise Jesus from the dead either and your faith is worthless. If we really believed in the Resurrection, we as a Church would live a whole lot differently.

But let’s take it down a notch. God makes a promise. A promise to you as an individual. He says he wants to work a miracle in your life. A specific miracle, which really isn’t so much a miracle as it is just a huge improbability. Small in the scale of the world, but huge in the scale of your own life. It’s a miracle meant for you and you alone, a promise tailored to fit his plan for your life. Will you believe him? If he commands you to believe, will you obey him? If he sets a cliff in front of you, will you take a giant leap into the blackness, believing that he will give you wings to fly? If he sends you to the dragon, will you stride toward it in full confidence, knowing your God will save you? Do you have the faith of David, of Daniel, of Joseph? Do you really believe in the Resurrection? Do you really believe that God will do precisely what he said he’s gonna do? Christianity is a religion made up entirely of belief in the most insane promises the world has ever known. If you’re really a Christian, and you really believe the big promises, then it won’t be so insane to believe the promises he’s given to you as an individual. Don’t forget his promises. Labor for them. They don’t come cheap. Pray. Fast. Wait. Believe. Your God will come. He will come to save you.


In the first year of his reign, I, Daniel, understood from the Scriptures . . . that the desolation of Jerusalem would last seventy years. So I turned to the Lord God and pleaded with him in prayer and petition, in fasting, and in sackcloth and ashes.
(Dan 9:2-3)

“And now, LORD God, keep forever the promise you have made concerning your servant and his house. Do as you promised, so that your name will be great forever. . . . Your words are trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant. Now be pleased to bless your servant, for you, O Sovereign LORD, have spoken.”
(2 Sam 7:25,28-29)


The God of Daniel and David is the same God we serve today. He is faithful, his promises are true, and he is doggone powerful. Now . . . let’s live what we believe.

The Disciplines of a Warrior's Heart

Spring, 2005

The mind is a battlefield.
The emotions are a blindfold.
Choice is a weapon.
Discipline is sight.

I choose to love.
I choose to forgive.
I choose to hope.
I choose to believe.

Humility, frailty, brokenness.
Love, forgiveness, hope.
Submission, obedience, discipline.
Praying, fasting, waiting.


TRUTH. BELIEF. JESUS.

Brokenness

[I wrote this Sophomore year in an email to my friend Jamie Busch.]


Spring, 2005

I have found that brokenness is an open door to the heart and power of God. When we have nothing left to give, he takes over.

I have discovered the beauty of brokenness. It is then that our hearts are most willing, most submissive, most humble. It is then that Jesus becomes our every breath, our every movement, our every thought. There are no more demands, no more complaints, no more discontentment…only a broken soul in the loving presence of Almighty God. Indeed, there is no better place to be. No other place I want to be. It is then that we see his beauty most clearly, experience his joy most fully, and cling to him most desperately. To wait on his salvation, to believe in his deliverance, to trust that he will answer, are the disciplines of a warrior's heart.

There is a certain thrill in spiritual warfare. While we receive hard blows and deep wounds, there is a pulse of victory that flows through our veins when we know for what we fight, for whom we fight, and who fights for us. He has given us the weapons, the defense, the strategy, the victory. When we're hit hard where we're weakest, there's a voice that says, "Stand firm. Fight back. Stand your ground. And after everything…keep standing."

Some days are easy for me. Some days are battles that can drag out for a week or more. But I have learned emotional discipline, to take every thought and feeling captive to the obedience of Christ, for how I feel does not define who I am. The Cross defines me. It's Jesus. His mercy. His sacrifice. When I understand this, I feel the thrill of the battle, for he created us with warriors' hearts. It's his victory, his battle, and he has granted us authority. AWESOME.

Be careful what you ask for?

I've often told the Lord, "I don't want a story just like everyone else's. I want an adventure. I want my own story, something different from the rest of the world." The funny thing is, now that I've got it, I get frustrated that no one understands, that no one has "been there" before. And then the Lord answers, "To travel a path so few have taken requires great courage - the courage to travel alone."

I think one of the hardest things in life is "traveling alone"...When the Lord leads you through a certain terrain of life that no one you know has traveled before. They can't comprehend what that terrain is like, because they simply haven't traveled it. And they openly admit it. "I wish I could understand," they say in all sympathy, "but I just haven't been there." Or they take the opposite approach and say, "I understand. I was wrong about my own life and therefore so are you." But is that really understanding? No. But we can't get bitter, but rather we need to be understanding of where they are in life, and not consider our terrain more important. It's not necessarily more important; it's simply different. It's okay that they're not on the same terrain, but we need to be prudent with what we've been given and not share it with just anyone. When the Lord gives you treasure, you cannot simply show everyone. Being faithful with God's promises includes being prudent with whom we share it.

I was talking to my mom about this recently. I told her, "Why is it so hard for them to believe? Why are Christians so hesitant to believe that God is that powerful?"

In response, my mom told me the story of a young woman she knew back when she was a new Christian. The young woman was abandoned by her "Christian" husband, who then dated another woman in the church. But the Lord gave the young woman the grace to endure it. He gave her the grace to forgive. He gave her the grace to continue on with her life in the strength of the humility and endurance of Christ. He gave her the grace. But my mom was flippin pissed off about it. And in her anger, my mom ranted to the Bible study leader about this horrible man and all the awful things he had done. The Bible study leader then answered my mother: "God has given her the grace to go through this - not you." In other words, the grace the Lord had provided to endure the hardship, was for the young woman alone, and not for my mom, who wasn't going through it.

In light of this, my mom told me: "God has given you the faith to believe - not your friends. Faith is a gift from the Lord, and he's given it to you for the journey he's put you on. Don't expect others to believe, because he hasn't asked them to. This faith is for you alone, because this path is for you alone."

That gave me an all new perspective. It helped me to be more gracious with those who think I'm crazy. And granted, I haven't told that many people, just my closest circle of sisters (and my mom). But even in that small handful, some have begun to withdraw, leaving discouragement in their wake. But I shouldn't be discouraged, for the Lord warned me that this would be a lonely journey. "Be strong and very courageous!" he says. "Remember the former things - remember what I did three years ago. I did it once, and I'll do it again. I am God, and I will do all that I please. What I have said, that will I bring about. What I have planned, that will I do."

That always makes me shudder. The power and will of God. (( shudder )) Our God is powerful. And while I've always known that he is powerful, the thought now brings a chill with it. For he went so far as to demonstrate a dose of his power in such a way that I felt like Job. Stunned, silent, awe-struck. I could barely breathe - it was just this awesome display of his power. And that night, more than any other night, I knew and believed in my heart that God would do all he has promised. And just a few days later, he confirmed that I was on the right path in the biggest, most unexpected way that made my jaw drop. "God, I don't know what on earth you're thinking . . . but I like it." Ahhhh God is powerful. And he's crazy too.

Last year, I asked the Lord under what "banner" I should walk this spiritual path and fight this spiritual fight. His answer came immediately: "God is mighty. God is powerful. God is good." That was over a year ago. But even after all this time, those three aspects of God's character are the foundational truths on which I have remained steadfast. Without them, I fall into the darkness and depths of despair. But when I remember, when I claim, his might, his power, his goodness, it is then that I find strength.

I wait on his salvation. And as I wait, he encourages me; he constantly shows me that he's in this and that he's the one leading me. He's asked me not only to believe, but to walk in that belief, to show by my life that I expect God to fullfill what he has promised. And sometimes the path is dark and discouragement screams in my ears. God seems silent and absent. But he had given me grace - he has given me landmarks to which I can return and remember. "I made a choice to believe," I say, "and so I must continue to believe. I made a promise, and I'm gonna keep that promise." To wait patiently, to wait in expectation of God's power, to believe.

There's a great song lyric that says, "The lie is always cheaper than the truth." And it's true. But on the flip side, the greatest treasures will only be won "at immense cost and discipline." When the Lord asks you to walk in faith, a part of you dies. You pay dearly to follow the Lord - whether it be emotionally, physically, relationally. But you pay. You always pay. If it's free, you have to wonder if it's really God. Your friends, who only mean the best, will say, "Be careful. Don't do it. I don't want to see you get hurt." But when has following Christ not involved suffering, and even death? Obedience does not mean safety. I think one of our biggest problems as Christians is that we think we need to be safe, and we want our friends to be safe. Obviously, we shouldn't be stupid. But if we're truly following the Lord, there will be risk. And with risk there will be scars. With obedience there will be suffering.

Why are we so afraid of pain? Why are we so afraid of our friends not understanding? Why are we so afraid of flinging ourselves into the unknown in obedience, knowing that the Lord will take care of us? And why are we so quick to stop our friends who are doing so? Let us not be afraid. Let us be strong. Let us have courage. For though he is not safe, our God is good.

On the Edges of Jordan

It's been 10 weeks since I was baptized in Israel, since I received the Sign of the Covenant. Saturday, February 24, 2007. I'm still not over it. It's like I fell in love with my Lord all over again. It's been an uphill climb, for sure, but . . . what a beautiful view. I cannot even begin to explain all that has happened in these ten weeks. It has been hard. Many times darkness fell like a shroud. But I remembered my resolution as I knelt on the shores of the Jordan: This is it, there is no going back. Let this be the landmark in my history that I can return to and say, 'I made a promise and I'm never going back.'

Indeed, there is no going back.

God saved me from two years of a deep spiritual depression. He restored me. But that restoration came at a price. Oh, how much I have paid since that Saturday afternoon on the Jordan! But I have bought from the Lord gold refined in the fire; he has clothed me in his righteousness; he has opened my eyes. The cost was great, the cut was deep. But how beautiful are the sufferings in which we share with Christ.

He restored me. Then he commissioned me. Then he brought several weeks of unanticipated revelation. And then, on Easter Sunday, the day of his Resurrection, he gave me rest. Rest from the struggle. Rest from the labor. Rest from the uncertainty. I knew who I was; I knew my God; I knew what to believe. He had established me.

In the week that followed, I received a new kind of beauty from the Lord, a fellowship in the Spirit that I can't explain here. It was a gift, a gentle assurance of his promises. And from there, I found strength and continued on this steep and winding path, constantly tested, with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and the left, encouraged by the support of a few godly friends. And then last weekend, I found encouragement in the unanticipated fellowship of a brother, a man in whose character is the goodness of Christ, a warrior of the Living God. There, the Lord gave a deposit of his promise, a glimpse of his unfathomable power.

It's hard. Gruelingly hard. But God is good, and in his goodness I rest. If he sends me away empty, then in emptiness I will go. If he sends me away lonely, then in loneliness I will go. For I know whom I have believed. The Lord is my portion; therefore, I will wait for him. I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. For all good things come from God, and all good things go back to God.

Come, Lord Jesus.


As I stand on the edges of Jordan
The saints and the angels beside
When my body is healed
And the glory revealed
Still I can boast only Christ

The Goodness of the Character of God

[Original post Monday, April 30, 2007]

"The Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty." (Ruth 1:20-21)

At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:20-21)

It is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion. (Lamentations 3)

Naomi's emptiness. Job's brokenness. Jeremiah's devastation. All that they loved and valued had been stripped from them. And yet God remained good. His goodness sustained them in the midst of complete and utter emptiness. What strikes me the most is that Job, when he had lost everything, fell down in worship. His heart found its abode in the depths of the goodness of God. Because he knew God's goodness, because he trusted in God's goodness, he could collapse into God's goodness. There is no other way he could have said what he said: "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

Having gone through the past five years, one thing I learned - if I've learned nothing else - is this: God is good. I realize others have been through far worse (this is by no means a contest!), but I've been through enough to know that God is good. And when you lose that which you love deeply, the Lord asks that you trust in his goodness. We ask why, we don't understand, BUT one thing we do know: we know that God is good. When we don't know what to believe, we know that God is good. So, when the Lord sends trial and tribulation, when he takes that which you love, the only thing you can do is fling yourself wholly into God's goodness. I have learned to say:

All good things come from God
and all good things go back to God
For God is good
and in his goodness I rest.

Because of God's goodness, we have hope. Because of God's goodness, we can surrender everything into his hands, knowing that it belongs to him to begin with. When God gives us promises, when he assures us that he will send his salvation, when he shows us the wonders of his amazing plan, we hope not in the promises themselves, but in the goodness of the character of God. And because of his goodness, we can wait, knowing that he will indeed send his salvation. We wait with patient endurance. We wait in hope for his arm, for though he brings grief, he will show compassion.

To wait on his salvation, to believe in his deliverance, to trust that he will answer, are the disciplines of a warrior's heart. He will rescue. He will deliver. For he is good. And even if he doesn't rescue, even if his salvation never comes, we remain in his goodness. We say with Job, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust him." And so we wait, we rest, in the goodness of God.

The Majesty of God

[Original post Saturday, April 28, 2007]


As I began to pray, I sensed a noticeable peace in that place, as if the timing, the setting, everything had been deliberately arranged. This time had been divinely set aside for _____ and me, and it was being guarded. It was as if there was a spiritual audience, waiting in gleeful anticipation for God’s mercy to be demonstrated in the hearts of two human souls.


I wrote that 3 years ago. It was the most powerful demonstration of God's mercy in my life up to that time. And tonight, in holy awe, I am again left in a speechless wonder. God is mighty. God is powerful. God is good.

And so I wait on his salvation.

"Hath the Lord really said . . . ?"

[Originally posted Saturday, April 21, 2007]

Ruth Prince, on faith, the unknown , and following the Lord:

What if I was imagining things--that it was not the Lord at all who had been speaking to me these last months? What if I was deceived? What if I let my hopes rise, released my emotions, and then was wounded again? . . .

Remembering the night in 1971 when I had surrendered to Him, I knew He would direct me only so long as I was obedient to what I understood. I thought I knew his voice. Still, it was a risk. It was so far from anything I had ever thought of doing. Again my mind asked, What if . . .? What if . . .?

But God said no more. It was a decision I had to make. Finally I responded, "Yes, Lord. If that is what You want, it is what I want." It was the greatest test of my faith up to that time. When departure time was delayed, the enemy was there to whisper, Hath the Lord really said . . .? I had to distinguish between natural problems, Satanic opposition, and God's testing of my resolve. . . .

When the test had accomplished His purposes, God took us to Jerusalem. He had vindicated His faithfulness.

"Separated by the greatest distance on earth..."

[Originally posted Monday, April 16, 2007]

"When we met, I saw instantly that Derek had also been meeting with the Lord. There was a new gentleness in his voice, a brokenness in his whole demeanor. We served ourselves at the buffet and chatted as the waiter brought our tea. Then, characteristically, Derek came to the point: 'I prayed it through in Adelaide. I still believe it is God's will. Has he shown you anything?' I told him of my experience the week he was in Adelaide and my unexpected, unexplainable hope. We marveled at the Holy Spirit's working. Separated by the greatest distance on earth, we had prayed in one accord." (Ruth Prince)



That's pretty cool.

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

"I heard the wind speak of a fight . . ."

[Originally posted Friday, April 13, 2007]

Ruth Prince, 1986.
Jerusalem, Israel

. . . I made my choice. Proverbs 3:5-6 became my confession. I determined to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I would not try to understand. I would acknowledge Him in all my ways. I would trust him to direct my paths. As I followed Derek's itinerary with my prayers, a strange thing happened: Despair left and hope came. There would be another chapter. One week in particular stood out, while Derek was in Adelaide, Australia. One day while I was in class, tears began to roll down my face. . . . Weeping in my room, I began to pray in tongues. Hours went by, the burden never lifting.
This was not a new phenomenon for me. I had experienced such travail in the Spirit numerous times in connection with Israel, both before and after I immigrated. I seldom knew the cause until afterward--a terrorist raid, a crisis in the government, the beginning of war. This time I knew it was connected with Derek.
Three days later I wrote in my journal, "Thank God Adelaide is over!" I sensed something had broken in the spiritual world.

Derek Prince, 1986
Adelaide, Australia

I had the impression that I was forcing my way through a long, dark tunnel. A place of release and fulfillment was prepared for me at the far end, but there was no way to get there except through the tunnel. My progress could be measured by the hours I spent in prayer. Finally, on the last day of the week, there was a tremendous release. I sensed I had come into the light at the end of the tunnel. From that moment, I knew my future was assured. There was no more struggling, no more fretting. In the spiritual realm, the issue was settled.

Salvation

[Originally posted Thursday, April 12, 2007]


The LORD has made proclamation
to the ends of the earth:
"Say to the Daughter of Zion,
'See, your Savior comes!
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.' "

(Isaiah 62:11)

Will and Hope

[Originally posted Wednesday, April 11, 2007]

When my younger brother was about seven years old, he contracted pneumonia and typhoid fever.... All of us, except my mother, left the hospital not expecting to see him again. But my mother spent the night by his bedside, reaching out and touching his face or stroking his head. As the night wore on, out of sheer exhuastion she fell asleep in her chair. Night after night she had stayed awake, yet on this night, his last night, she had run out of strength. Her head drooped and she fell asleep for a couple of hours--the very hours she was told he would die.

She awakened with a start find him still alive. In fact, she felt a warmth in his body she had not felt before. As one day passed into another he became stronger until he had fully recovered.

My mother told us often that she felt that when she had given all she had to give and could give no more, God had taken over and given her the sleep she so needed as He restored the ailing frame of her son. This, to me, is a remarkable expression of will and hope....

When your will is committed to God, He carries you when all else seems spent, to rescue what you had invested by your dedication. (Ravi Zacharias)

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

(Psalm 27:13-14)

"I woke up today and you're on the other side..."

[Originally posted Wednesday, April 11, 2007]

In that day they will say,
"Surely this is our God,
we trusted in him, and he saved us.
This is the LORD, we trusted in him;
let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."

(Isaiah 25:9)

"I'm Going in Like a Kamikaze"

[Originally posted Monday, April 09, 2007]

The last time I spoke those words, I cast off every care I ever had, and jumped wholly into the unknown, ignorant of what awaited me. The Lord had spoken, and after wrestling with it for weeks, I finally let go. I made the move, I made the jump. I had nothing left to lose.

I find myself now in a similar situation. There is no going back. And so I must choose. Neither choice is safe. With one, I lose a part of myself and the God I've always known. With the other, I take the biggest risk I've ever faced. And so I have chosen. I will take the risk, and I will jump. If I am wrong, then let me be gloriously wrong. I know he whom I have believed, and if I perish, I perish.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." (Isaiah 30:21)

Completion

[Originally posted Monday, April 09, 2007]

Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.

Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD's hand
double for all her sins.

Not for the Faint of Heart

[Originally posted Saturday, April 07, 2007]


"This is what the LORD says:
" 'Your wound is incurable,
your injury beyond healing.

There is no one to plead your cause,
no remedy for your sore,
no healing for you.

The Tunnel

[Originally posted Thursday, April 05, 2007]

((Derek Prince))
"I had the impression that I was forcing my way through a long, dark tunnel. A place of release and fulfillment was prepared for me at the far end, but there was no way to get there except through the tunnel. My progress could be measured by the hours I spent in prayer. Finally, on the last day of the week, there was a tremendous release. I sensed I had come into the light at the end of the tunnel. From that moment, I knew my future was assured. There was no more struggling, no more fretting. In the spiritual realm, the issue was settled. I could wait with quiet confidence for its outworking in the natural realm. In the months that followed, I felt I was watching a living chessboard, on which a master hand moved one piece after the other into place." ~Derek Prince

((My Story of Caesarea))
This was my very first taste of Israel.

After Iyad had finished his lecture, we made our way to the stone walls and ruins. Perhaps I was tired from the trip, or simply not thinking straight from lack of sleep, but I had assumed that we would only walk along the walls and the ruins that I could see from where we stood. But then the group flocked toward a tunnel through the wall, presumably progressing toward the real site. With an air of surprise, I followed them into the tunnel, thoroughly enjoying the fact that the signs were in Hebrew.

Emerging from the tunnel, I gasped.

A vast array of sea and stone spread out before me. At my feet, the ground dropped in a steep decline of stadium seats carved from ancient stones. I had entered the amphitheatre, facing out toward the Mediterranean Sea. I was breathless. I had obviously not paid attention to Iyad’s lecture. All around me were the awesome wonders of Biblical history, emanating an ancient glory unequalled in all my days.

“Now I believe I’m in Israel,” I breathed.

I was in shock. Utter shock. Right before me was the sapphire sea, extending endlessly in either direction. Below and around me were the evidences of man’s masterful creation, carved and hewn from the rock. The air was warm, the breeze alive and refreshing. I had entered into a whole new world.

((A Journal Entry))
"It's like Caesarea, where everything looked amazing on the outside, but I had to go through the tunnel to discover the breathtaking wonder and beauty on the other side--an entirely new world that I hadn't even thought to imagine."

Ignorance and Repetition // Despair and Disrepair

[Originally posted on Thursday, April 05, 2007]

Funny how one little day can turn everything you thought you knew completely upside down and inside out. And you look back and wonder, "Wait, I thought...?"

A week passes, and you're still wondering.
...wondering if you ever knew anything at all.

The sign of the Covenant is real.
The Bible is a lifeline.
With great beauty come great thieves.
He who overcomes will reign with Christ.

Bring it on, maggots.

The Voice of the Lord

[Originally posted Sunday, April 01, 2007]

My best friend in the world is Justin. We've been best friends since 7th grade (though he claims I wasn't his best friend until 8th grade...pssh, men). Though we went through five years of high school together, our whole friendship is pretty much based on conversation...or rather, the phone. We hang out in person sometimes, but we pretty much just talk. And we've created the most solid friendship I've ever had based on thousands of hours of conversation.

Well, when we were in 11th grade (my last year of high school), I thought Justin had called me. What I didn't realize at the time, however, was that it was my childhood-friend Micah, from my elementary school days. Up until 5th grade, we had been really good friends, and then he went to another school. We hadn't talked since then. And then he called me all these years later, and I thought it was Justin. For TWENTY MINUTES, I talked to him, perfectly convinced that it was Justin. I had been talking to Justin on the phone for 5 years, and knew his voice better than anyone else's. Yet, in a 20-minute convo, I operated under the assumption that the voice I was hearing was the voice of my best friend, when, in fact, it was the voice of Micah, a guy I hadn't talked to in six years.

Well, after about 20 minutes, I mentioned something like, "Remember in gym today?" and he's like, "No." And after some confusion, I was like, "Isn't this Justin?" And he's like, "No, this is Micah." And holy crap, I was like WHAT??? And all of a sudden, I heard the difference in his voice, tone, and regional inflections. For twenty minutes, I could have sworn it was Justin's voice--no doubt about it. But as soon as I realized it was Micah, I heard Micah's voice, not Justin's. It was like a veil had been lifted. How could I have possibly mistaken Micah's voice for Justin's? I have no clue. But I did. And I felt like an idiot.

I think that sometimes hearing from God can be just like that. Over years and years of loving and enjoying God, and hearing his voice...somehow an imposter gets slipped into the mix, and you're completely convinced that it's God's voice. You have no reason to question it, because it sounds exactly like God's voice. And then, all of a sudden, you realize it wasn't God, and then everything becomes crystal clear. You ask yourself, "How could I have possibly mistaken that for God?" Because you know his voice. You've known it for years. But sometimes your mind plays tricks on you. And tsk tsk, an imposter confuses you. Alas!

And so what do you do? You regroup, re-evaluate, sharpen your discernment, and keep going. And read the Bible.

When all else fails, read the Bible!

[Originally posted Thursday, March 29, 2007]

When you doubt, when you question, when you wonder if you've heard the voice of God...read the Bible. I am charismatic. A lot of people don't know that. I believe that the Lord wants to bless us abundantly through spiritual gifts and revelations. But I also believe in the sufficiency of Scripture.

The problem with charismatic Christians is, many don't find the Bible sufficient. Well, guess what? When dreams and visions are questionable, the Bible is ALWAYS reliable. ALWAYS. So, when all else fails, read the Bible! Regardless of "extra" blessings, the Bible is always always always foundational. No spiritual gifts or revelations that are from God will EVER bring into question the truths of the Bible. The Bible comes first. The rest is secondary, and even arbitrary. So, here's what I've learned:

God is good. No matter what happens, the goodness of God is essential, even central. God is good. When all else fails, God is still good. When the world collapses, and God feels absent, God is still good. The goodness of God is unchanging. When the world is bad, God is good. God is good, God is good, God is good.

Nothing is impossible with God. I have a hard time with this one. But face it - all things are possible with God. Old women have babies and mute people speak. Bones are healed and the dead come alive. A horse with ovarian cancer is healed (it's true! I was there!). Nothing is impossible with God.

"May it be unto me as you have said." Whatever the Lord requires of you, do it. Complete submission. No matter what. Just do it.

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Most of the miracles Jesus did in the gospels were a direct result of belief. Trust in the Lord, and believe. Believe what the Bible says. Believe that God is good. No matter what. Believe. The Christian religion is a religion of faith. So if you're a Christian, you're required to believe. And blessed are you who believes!

When you don't know what to believe, those 4 things are a good place to start.

A World of Miracles

[Originally posted Tuesday, March 27, 2007]

I'm going to tell you a story. The kind of story you don't normally read on someone's blog. It's about my mom and dad, and how the Lord brought them together 30 years ago. My dad still calls it a "summer romance." They knew each other 13 weeks, afterall.

My mom became a Christian because her boyfriend became a Christian and broke up with her. So she read the Bible to see what it was that he left her for. In those pages, she met Jesus. And he transformed her life. For two years, she grew in the Lord, still aching over her heartbreak. (See? It's genetic!) Eventually, she began going to a particular church, where she didn't really know anyone yet. One Sunday evening, she was praying about the jerk who broke up with her, and a friend invited her to go out with a bunch of the other college folk after church. And that's where she was first introduced to Steve...my dad.

Nope, they didn't even talk that first night. Mom was too busy chatting with the other kids, and Dad was being introverted and quiet. But he knew. He went home and told his parents he had met the woman he was going to marry. My mom felt it too, but didn't trust herself.

Well, I guess in the weeks that followed, they began seeing each other and going to church and coffee house together (seriously, that was a fun date for them! haha). About five weeks after they had met, my dad brought my mom to her house, and as they were sitting down on her front steps, the Holy Spirit surrounded each of them with an amazing sense of the presence of God. And my dad turns to my mom and says, "I wasn't planning to ask you this, but . . . will you be my wife?"

She said yes, of course.

But she had doubts. Who wouldn't? She knew this dude for five weeks. One morning, as she was looking in the mirror, putting on her makeup, she said, "Lord, it will be a miracle if this marriage works."

Immediately, the Lord rebuked her and said, "Are you willing to walk into a world of miracles?

Eight weeks later, they were married. And after 30 years, my parents are still walking in a world of miracles.

The moral of the story is: Trust in the Lord, even when he's downright CRAZY.

Christian Dating For Dummies

[Originally posted Friday, March 23, 2007]

My friend Jeremy, who goes to Geneva, wrote this fantastic blog on Christian dating. I found it marvelous and exegetically compelling. ;p

If Nazareth Were Like Geneva...

1.)"Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph"... since guys and girls can't just hang out, someone saw mary and joseph having fish and bread together, talking about their days, and knew that they were dating and probably already had a ring picked out

2.) "Joseph... did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her"... this means his relationship status on facebook went from in a relationship to it's complicated to single real quick.. but he never put it on news feed.

3.) Joseph has the dream about the angel. This is Joseph playing the God card. A low blow, yes. but it's really hard to reject that without sounding like a heathen.

4.)Joseph "took mary to be his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth"... and by she gave birth, he means until they got outside of young east after open hours was over... they they "unioned" all over each other's face and let every passer by enjoy the show.

5.) Whenever people started becoming critical of Joseph's and Mary's excessive "unionizing"... they escaped.. but egypt is too far.... eat n park in chippewa is far enough... besides... they're open way past open hours

6.) In some of our Christian brother's christology, they claim that Christ and Mary Magdeline were married. I do not believe this. I sincerely believe that Christ took mary out into the desert to go for a walk and have the infamous (at least on Y2, it's infamous) DTR talk. Define The Relationship.
"Mary... you're a cool girl and all, but i just want to be friends. I mean.. i'm the savior of the world... and well.. let's just say you have a lot of baggage coming into this thing, but i mean, we can still be really good friends, right?"

Let us be glad that Nazareth was much more intolerant of the foolishness that inherently comes with this insane, incoherent debauch we call American Dating.

Train the eye, Train the heart

[Originally posted Wednesday, March 21, 2007]

"The best advice I can give a young man is to train the eye. Where the eye is focused, there the imagination finds its raw material. The right focus must be won at immense cost and discipline. Train the eye to see the good, and the imagination will follow suit." (Ravi Zacharias, "I, Isaac," p 80.)

Two things came to mind when I read this. First, I was reminded of a certain time when a group of us went swimming. There was this guy I was newly friends with, and we had been hanging out a bit. But the moment the bathing suit went on...he wouldn't look at me. No eye contact, nothing. He kept his eyes trained away from me, even while we talked to each other. At first, it struck me as strange...until I realized he was guarding his eyes. And in that moment I felt more respected by a man than I ever had before. Not only was he guarding himself, he was honoring me. It left me with a sense of wonder, and a desire to honor him in return.

But how does a young woman honor a man with a similar gesture? This brings me to my second thought. The general concensus is that men struggle with the lust of the eyes. But so rare is the teaching that, often, the weakness of a woman is the over-indulgence of emotion. I always hear "guard your heart," but what the hell does that mean anyway? (Some of you might know that I abhore that cliche.) What they mean and don't know how to teach, is emotional discipline.

I was first taught this invaluable truth four years ago by our own beloved Dan Gelok. So often, feminine emotions are pegged as burdensome, annoying, schizophrenic. His response was, "Your emotions are a gift. And what a great gift you have! But just as with any other gift, there comes great responsibility. You are not a slave to your emotions." If you are not a slave, then that means you are free. Any slavery on your part is your own choice of submission to a false master.

And that was just the beginning of my journey down the path of emotional discipline. I have come to love and embrace that part of my personality, within the confines of right reason. Emotion is a beautiful thing, but it cannot control me. I have learned how to submit my emotions to my will: allowing myself to feel, while submitting those feelings to reason.

Men are called to train the eye. Women are called to train the heart. If I am to honor a brother in Christ, where do I allow my heart to wander? Do I daydream about him, stare at his picture, gush about him with my friends? Somehow, that strikes me as profoundly dishonoring. Then how do I honor him? I train the heart. A man may admire a woman's beauty, but there is a limit. Similarly, a woman may have feelings for a man, but there is a limit. A woman must learn the discipline of submitting her emotions to her will. That does not mean to repress them. Emotional discipline allows the heart to feel, but those feelings do not control the will. The will remains free to make rational and godly decisions.

If men are to honor us with their eyes, should we not then honor them with our hearts?

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." (Hebrews 12:1)

"He gave some to be Apostles..."

[Originally posted Wednesday, March 14, 2007]

Sophomore year, the Lord revealed a lot to me about my future. It was kind of like his gift to me coming out of the hardest 2 years of my young life. I hadn't asked for it, it was just his gift, a dose of joy and freedom as if to say, "You passed the test...you're ready for this now." And he showed me his beautiful, glorious plan for me. He ignited in my heart a burning desire and passion to defend the gospel, to teach/disciple Christians, to set the captives free and deliver those in darkness, to help the helpless, and finally - to be a warrior on the front lines of the spiritual battle. It was a complex commission, but I am a complex person.

I didn't know how or in what fashion these things would be set in motion or accomplished, but before I could find out, I dropped my eyes from the goal . . . and I got distracted. I made a small mistake that cost me the last two years.

And then came Cleveland last October (Alistair), and Colorado Springs in November (Ravi) . . . and a spiritual awakening began to hint at an impending restoration.

And then came Israel.

I can't tell everyone what happened in Israel, because of its personal nature. But it began at my baptism in the Jordan River on the third day. I used to think that being baptized wouldn't change anything, because it's just an action. But something happened at that moment. Everything changed. God received my guilt offering and began his good work. He sent his servant. And it was hard. But he restored me. And he is restoring me still.

I don't know what's next. But I know he's preparing me for his good work. Beginning with Colorado Springs, God reminded me of his purpose in me to defend the gospel. And so I am applying for Oxford Center of Christian Apologetics. I never thought I'd want to train for apologetics, but here I am. And I never thought I'd want to travel the world defending the gospel, but that's what I want to do.

And then on the Israel trip, I met a guy who has been traveling the world since August, going from country to country for a month or two at a time, working with people and doing God's work. It reminded me of sophomore year, the desire to live the gospel and help the helpless, minister to Christians, and deliver those in darkness. Somehow, those desires fit easily into this model of traveling the world doing God's work. It began to make sense. The philosophical and domestic go hand in hand for me. So when I heard this guy's story of traveling from country to country doing God's work, it clicked. This was part of the plan.

And then today Shane Claiborne spoke in chapel who more or less lives with the homeless in Philly, and who spent time in Baghdad with the people there, and who randomly jumped on a plane to Calcutta to work with Mother Teresa. And it clicked. This was part of the plan.

I don't know how things will fit together, but I know what I'm aiming for. I know that he's sending me. I'm gonna be an "apostle". Think about it: Paul defended the gospel with philosophers. He worked to pay his own way. He helped people in need. He established and worked with churches. He traveled the world. He fought the good fight. And I'm gonna follow him.

"It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ." -Eph 4:11