Brokenness

[I wrote this Sophomore year in an email to my friend Jamie Busch.]


Spring, 2005

I have found that brokenness is an open door to the heart and power of God. When we have nothing left to give, he takes over.

I have discovered the beauty of brokenness. It is then that our hearts are most willing, most submissive, most humble. It is then that Jesus becomes our every breath, our every movement, our every thought. There are no more demands, no more complaints, no more discontentment…only a broken soul in the loving presence of Almighty God. Indeed, there is no better place to be. No other place I want to be. It is then that we see his beauty most clearly, experience his joy most fully, and cling to him most desperately. To wait on his salvation, to believe in his deliverance, to trust that he will answer, are the disciplines of a warrior's heart.

There is a certain thrill in spiritual warfare. While we receive hard blows and deep wounds, there is a pulse of victory that flows through our veins when we know for what we fight, for whom we fight, and who fights for us. He has given us the weapons, the defense, the strategy, the victory. When we're hit hard where we're weakest, there's a voice that says, "Stand firm. Fight back. Stand your ground. And after everything…keep standing."

Some days are easy for me. Some days are battles that can drag out for a week or more. But I have learned emotional discipline, to take every thought and feeling captive to the obedience of Christ, for how I feel does not define who I am. The Cross defines me. It's Jesus. His mercy. His sacrifice. When I understand this, I feel the thrill of the battle, for he created us with warriors' hearts. It's his victory, his battle, and he has granted us authority. AWESOME.